ban

Well, it’s official now: I am going to have the my gay membership card taken away from me. This letter was in the mail today:

Dear Sir,

We are sorry to inform you that as of today, July 22nd, 2002, you will not be entitled to call yourself a homosexual any longer.

The Commission has taken the decision to withdraw your membership after receiving news of your recent behaviour at the Dame Edna Experience at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern on Sunday, July 21st at 6:54 pm.

Failing to recognize Barbra Streisand’s Funny Face would have been a sufficient offence in itself to have your membership terminated. Asking your sing-along-neighbour on the dancefloor “Do you know who performs this originally?” was utterly unforgivable, considering he was one of our undercover agents, who dutifully reported your misbehaviour to us.

We are aware of the fact that you were not born and raised in an English-speaking country, and as a matter of fact we have been quite lenient with you in the past, as you seemed to be proficient enough in Italian and French camp (by the way, we are sorry but the Raffaella Carrà/Dalida CD you made for us, while providing us with numerous nights of endless fun, will not suffice to make us go back on our decision). We therefore regret we cannot find any plausible excuse for the aforementioned episode.

It should also be understood that you may now forgo your hopes of being picked up by any team to take part in the pop quiz at the Retro bar.

Please report to any of our Soho branches to give in your badge and papers and pay the enclosed fine.

Should you wish to reapply for membership, you will have to take all the exams again and pay the licensing fee.

Regards,

the Commission for Assured and Motivated Poofters (C.A.M.P.)

Posted in Uncategorized
9 comments on “ban
  1. Jonathan says:

    Was it the song Funny Girl or something else from that show? People? Was it People? Please don’t tell it was People. Or Don’t Rain On My Parade? I can’t bear it.

  2. luca says:

    It was Funny Girl-the song. I think I actually heard “funny girl” repeated a few times once they told me what it was. But then again, I have proven I cannot be trusted on such matters. David? Can you confirm it? Anyone?

  3. francis s. says:

    They didn’t mention anything about making you give back the free toaster you get with your membership… or is that free toaster thing only for American homosexualists?

  4. luca says:

    The free giveaway for homosexualists in Italy is actually a Versace t-shirt.I think mine now lies in the back of some sleazy Paris bar, soiled and trodden over – just like my moral standards.

  5. David says:

    Ahem. It was “Don’t Rain On My Parade”. Or so a Real Queer told me.

  6. luca says:

    Fine. Let’s stop this before I lose all credibility.I am prepared to make amend – and therefore added Funny Face Girl (CD) to my Amazon wishlist. Please save the world from non-conforming queers. U no wot 2 do.

  7. David says:

    Oh dear. It’s Funny Girl, not Funny Face. That’s a lifetime ban, I’m afraid. Yours simcerely C.A.M.P. Co-ordinator [accessorise! accessorise! accessorise!]

  8. luca says:

    Right. Funny Face –> A. Hepburn, Funny *Girl* –> B. Streisand. Ok. Going to get myself some pussy now.

  9. valleyankee says:

    It’s so sad when we lose another homsexual friend. I hope you can find happiness. Is there a way to get reinstated? Perhaps you can file an appeal?